OLSO, NORWAY - The Norsk League of Germanic Pantheon Druids is calling for a ban of Natalie Portman starrer, "Thor".

"This film could seriously hurt religious sentiments," NLGPD spokesperson Groensk the Fearsome was quoted as saying in media reports over the weekend. "The Germanic Pantheon is not understood by the majority of people yet, and many non-pagans may mistake the content as the truth," he said.

NLGPD secretary general Odin has reportedly written to Jack Valenti asking for a ban on the film's release. Odin's letter was delivered to MPAA offices in Sherman Oaks by a 6'6" red-haired woman - identified only as Helga - who was wearing a blood-soaked chainmail bikini and a newly honed Dane Axe.

Christian groups protested "The Da Vinci Code" in 2006, but the matter was resolved when the studio added a disclaimer stating that the film was a work of fiction.

NEW YORK, NY - Legendary director Sidney Lumet disappointed Fred, a prominent packaging agent, by failing to keep his promise to finish reading the script before passing away Saturday.

"The question I keep asking myself: Is he still attached to direct the film or not?", said Fred, "I don't think I need to remind everyone just how difficult it is to get a two-time Academy Award ® winning film director interested in a project from a television writer. The producer, the writer and myself will be looking to probate for some answers. I can tell you right now: if Mr. Lumet is not 100% committed to this project, a rumor is circulating that Clint Eastwood sparked to the material. I wouldn't know, because I haven't talked to him directly. Because clearly that would be inappropriate given the circumstances."

Trent, an independent Ouija-board operator, reports that Mr. Lumet is "enjoying life in Gan Eden", but that "It's no New York, I tell you. I mean, have you even tried the coffee?"

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Natalie Portman, a recent college graduate and expecting mother, like so many young people who opt to attend America's colleges, continues to struggle under the heavy burden of student loans accumulated while pursuing her undergraduate education.

Like many former students, the Oscar® winning actress survived Harvard by working a variety of part-time and odd jobs, including The Other Boelyn Girl, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium and The Simpsons. She saved money by purchasing used textbooks and consuming a diet consisting largely of Ramen noodles and Veuve Clicquot.

Still, she has not lost hope and remains optimistic about the economy in general and job prospects. With the increased awareness about her situation, she hopes one day to get a job in an Adam Sandler movie.