HOLLYWOOD, CA - According to a cashier named Benito, Oscar ® winner Colin Firth has misplaced his golden Oscar ® statue in a curio shoppe on Hollywood Blvd.

Since winning cinema's highest honor, Firth has been entertaining visiting relatives and sources close to the Academy Award ® winner say his mum insisted on traipsing through local tourist attractions with the entire family in tow.

"Colin and his little golden statue had been inseparable," said a woman identified only as Sheila, "He refused to set it down. He carried it everywhere with him."

The statue went missing when his mum, Mrs. Firth, wandered into a curio shoppe at the corner of Hollywood and Highland.

"She dragged him (Colin) into the shop and insisted he help her find both a personalized keychain and license plate named 'Sheila'. While in the store Firth became distracted by a photograph of Christina Aguilera and absentmindedly set the statue down upon a display filled with thousands of plastic Oscar ® statue replicas."

Around the same time, Benito says he sold an oversize Oscar ® statue to a Japanese tourist for $10.99 plus tax.

"I'd like to give a more specific description of the man, but all Asian people look alike to me," confessed Benito.

Firth is repped by Chris Andrews at CAA. Benito is repped by Fred Granger at New Artists Agency.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Charlie Sheen demonstrated today just how dangerous an agitated Warlock can prove to be in armed combat when he scorched Chuck Lorre with a level 19 Eldritch Blast.

Sheen grinned as the twenty-sided dice tumbled to a halt at 19, one short of maximum power. Lorre mustered only a 12 in his defensive roll and his Red Mage lost 15 hit points and almost half his vitality.

Relaxing in his own magical aura, Sheen pulled out a portable hole, reached inside, and then quaffed a spherical treasure bearing a striking similarity to the common speedball.

Sheen is repped by Gandalf the Grey at Middle Earth Entertainment.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Charlie Sheen's personal troubles are nothing if not a Nielsen's ratings magnet. This week the beleagured star received multiple offers of $2M per televised rant from a variety of scripted episodics not produced by Chuck Lorre.

"All we want Charlie to do is stumble onto the set, do a tequila shot, and lick salt from the left pectoral muscle of Frankie Shaw," said Eric Falconer, exec prod. of Blue Mountain State, "I think it's safe to say that's well-within Charlie's wheelhouse." Falconer then high-fived this reporter and quickly added "Yo Charlie, we've totally got your back, bro'."

Hellcats exec prod. Kevin Murphy expressed similar sentiments, "We'd love to have Charlie up here in Vancouver - to do a cameo, to get away from it all or to just avoid an awkward arrest warrant. Our pledge is to surround Sheen with busty young women in their early 20s. In short, to create a safe and comfortable environment for him to work in. If that's too familiar, we'd love to have him in a hand to hand knife duel with the Cylon prototype on Caprica."

Sheen is currently repped by Mark Burg at Evolution Entertainment.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Basic cable and internet comedy writers, protesting pay inequities for doing the same job as their prime time counterparts, this week began sharing a solemn vigil, a comedic solidarity, by vowing to only write jokes about Charlie Sheen. And by all accounts, it's working.

"It's like a having a week off with full pay," said one writer for a scathingly funny satirical talk show on a VIACOM subsidiary," I mean, Charlie Sheen jokes practically write themselves. This past week we let the accounting staff write most of the Charlie Sheen bits while we played foosball. The accounting-types did a great job, but it was weird proofing the scripts because they were submitted in Microsoft Excel format."

"I've never seen anything like this," said Konrad Feldman, CEO of internet statistics firm Quantcast," the twitterverse, blogosphere and youtube are choked with jokey verbage featuring the juxtaposition of 'porn star' and 'warlock', two words which, statistically speaking, should never appear in the same sentence together."

Sheen, for the time being, is repped by Mark Burg at Evolution Entertainment.