HOLLYWOOD, CA - Nelly Furtado, Beyonce, Usher and Mariah Carey today announced plans to hold a benefit concert/cultural festival for their beleaguered friend, Libyan leader and misunderstood humanitarian pacifist Moammar Gadhafi.

No concert date has been announced, but the charity event has already raised almost $4M from a philanthropic anonymous donor described only as the corrupt dictator of a totalitarian police state.

Details surrounding the event are few and far between but the festival has been described as "Lollapalooza meets Orwellian Utopia" or Totallotopia.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Actor Charlie Sheen today reacted to the news of Jane Russell's death by demanding the actress be resuscitated for one last cocaine-inspired Hollywood soiree at the Chateau Marmont.

"I've got the penthouse, plenty of free time and two friends named Candy and Debbie. If she can't be revived, then at least grant me access to her remains," the actor stated, "Necrophilia is on my bucket list and she owes me that much. After all, if it weren't for actors like me, there wouldn't even be a Golden Age of Hollywood to reminisce about."

Sheen is repped by Mark Burg at Evolution Entertainment.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Actor James Franco, best known as the son of Willem Defoe's Green Goblin in the Spiderman movie franchise, today revealed plans to amputate the hosting arm of his career.

A retrospective montage of Franco's hosting was featured during last night's Oscar ® telecast, paying homage to the star responsible for so many inimitable moments in television gala hosting. Among those moments remembered: the actor staring blankly off into space, catatonic teleprompter fixation, and the uncanny ability to ignore Anne Hathaway's cleavage.

Franco, for the most part, seems unconcerned with the loss. In post-Oscar ® celebrations the star was reported to be more concerned about whether pink makes his butt look fat in HD.

Franco is also the new face of Vicodin. He's repped by Kami Putnam-Heist at CAA.

BURBANK, CA - The Academy of Red Carpet Vendors ® said shortages of Red Carpet #902 is set to put a wrinkle in this year's Oscars ® awards ceremony.

"The vending of red carpet is not commerce but a blend of art and science," said Academy spokesperson Brian Granger. "The Oscars ® red carpet is assigned an official Pantone ® color and the Emmys ® use a completely different shade of red. Unfortunately, the explosion of new awards ceremonies has created a demand for Red Carpet #902 that vastly exceeds our manufacturing capability, not to mention viewer interest. In the past few years alone, we've seen an explosion of new awards shows. Organizers of The Indies, The Slammys, and The Screamies all clamor for the exact same thing: Red Carpet #902, or as the saying goes: you know, the one that makes my show look most like the Oscars ®."

The red carpet shortage is the latest setback in what promised to be a televised awards ceremony featuring celebrities both walking down and accepting awards on Red Carpet #902. Not all celebrities will be affected. Recipients of Best Actor ®, Best Actress ® and Best Motion Picture ® will stride gracefully on Academy ® official Red Carpet #902. However, those receiving awards for supporting roles and awards for foreign language and documentary films will be forced to make do with Red Carpet #901, originally designed for Target ® store aisles. Unlike #902, Red Carpet #901 is produced in sufficient quantities to satisfy even the least culturally relevant awards shows.

Strong demand for Academy ® Red Carpet #902 from new shows like The Streamys, The Webbys, and The Redundies has placed unprecedented demand on #902, leading directly to this year's shortage.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Actor Jeff Bridges was attached to star in biopic: Jeff Bridges: the Man, the Dude, the Actor. Project is described as the autobiographical story of Jeff Bridges, as seen through the eyes of Jeff Bridges.

The Lifetime movie project is being produced by Bridges' As Is Productions and is written, directed and produced by Jeff Bridges.

"We really wanted Jeff Bridges for this film," said director Jeff Bridges, "but unfortunately, our $3-7M budget did not allow us to meet his quote."

"This is my life, man, I mean, the dude is very much in demand now, and when the dude is in demand, the dude has to do what's best for the dude," said actor Jeff Bridges, "I mean, they say the dude is too fuckin' expensive for this film! What can I say, man, if the dude is too expensive, the dude is too fuckin' expensive."

"On a project of this kind, it is important to secure a leading man of Bridges' calibre," said producer Jeff Bridges, "but in this economy sometimes you have to exercise a little lateral thinking, which is why we went with Kurt Russell."

Bridges is repped by CAA and The Schiff Company. Russell is repped by Michael Cooper at CAA.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - The story is all too familiar: a painfully beautiful girl is discovered on a dance floor by Ford Models, spends her late teens on the runways of Paris and Milan only to be rediscovered by Hollywood when a Maxim photo spread creates an involuntary erection in a corner office at CAA.

Well, two-time Academy Award winner Meryl Streep may well be the first to make the transition from acclaimed actress to vacuous model.

"When I was an acting student," said Streep, "I used to look upon these women with some admiration: How could they stand and deliver wooden, emotionless performances with a complete lack of self-awareness? It seemed to me that if they had the wherewithal to pursue acting, I might be well-advised to pursue a second career in print modeling. You know what? It turns out that print modeling is not all that difficult: all you need is an agent, a personal trainer and an eating disorder. And if your trainer is good enough, a masochistic nutritionist will do in lieu of a real disorder."

With sixteen Oscar nominations and two wins, many felt Streep had achieved all that was practically possible. It turns out they were wrong. This past week while shooting a magazine spread under the watchful eye of photographer Anton Corbijn, Streep suffered a loss of consciousness stemming from low blood sugar and fell, knocking over a Wescott Softbox Halon light. The resulting fire proved once and for all that Streep has all the right stuff for print modeling.

Streep is repped by Kevin Huvane at CAA. Corbijn is repped by Independent Talent Group.

Many in Hollywood say the craft service industry would benefit from an overhaul. Today, the number one complaint against craft services is nepotism and the number two complaint are those things that they try to pass off as burritos.

I mean, after all, this is Los Angeles and we know Mexican food. You can find it almost any street corner. Tasty tacos, quesadilla and burritos are very familiar to Los Angeles residents, so don't go trying to tell us those limp, soggy flour tortillas are burritos. And while you're at it, maybe you could consider throwing a bone to those of us with chef and/or catering experience. Yeah, Mr. Craft Service, I'm talking about how you hired your nephew to run the lunch truck when he hadn't even completed high school. Everyone knows that there were plenty of highly qualified applicants for that job. We saw the posting on monster.com, and some of us even had interned at the ABC Disney cafeteria in Burbank.

If you're a director or a producer and your latest feature failed to produce any meaningful Oscar buzz, consider this: the craft services programs at UCLA, AFI and USC are turning out lots of talented new grads every year. I mean, they come from all over this great country of ours with a dream: to feed our nation's celebrities with tasty and nutritious lunch fare. The marinated bean salad recipe served at the CSI:Miami location shoot last week hasn't been updated since Telly Savalas had a full head of hair and was shooting the Kojak pilot. Why? You know why! Nepotism. It's not just the bean salad either. Don't get me started on those sugary treats you call dessert!

Mr. Craft Service is repped by Principato-Young.

Cowboys and Aliens, Jon Favreau's new scifi action/fantasy proves to be exactly what the largely Republican Scottsdale, AZ suburban demographic was craving.

Cowboys and Aliens tells the story of an alien race that invades the state of Arizona.

In test screenings of the movie in Scottsdale, enthusiastic audiences roared with approval as Arizona cowboys unleashed a hail of good, old-fashioned hot lead gunfire into wave after wave of invading aliens.

An unidentified employee for the National Research Group said moviegoers were completing their post-screening questionnaires in record time and many of those who saw the film requested additional blank sheets of paper to offer helpful suggestions about how the movie could be improved.

"I think Obama should invest at least 3 billion for the US Border Patrol here in Arizona," wrote one cinema-goer.

"I like the part where the red-blooded Americans with American-born parents are blowing the illegal aliens to smithereens." wrote another.

"Probably the scariest movie I saw this year," wrote Senator John McCain, "but I really liked the happy ending where all the unwelcome aliens are forcibly removed from the region and the great state of Arizona is once again a safe haven for American families."

The big screen adaptation of Scott Mitchell Rosenberg's graphic novel is set to debut this summer with a script penned by Trek writers Kurzman and Orci.

Favreau is repped by Spencer Baumgarten at CAA. Kurzman and Orci are repped by Todd Feldman at CAA.

Writer/director/auteur Darren S. Aronofsky is set to helm his next feature, The Leftie, with one hand tied behind his back. Aronofsky is rumored to have penned the first draft of the script on an Underwood typewriter using only his left hand.

"There's nothing like awards season to remind me that I once found this craft challenging and engaging," Aronofsky confided in an acquaintance, "but now I find the work pedestrian and this constant rain of accolades tiresome."

"The prospect of working with a genius director is exciting," said Roger Bloom, a veteran Steadicam operator who lost his right hand last year in an accident with a Warner Bros. forklift. "It looked like my Steadicam career was over until Aronofsky came calling last week. My agent told me he asked for me specifically. He asked for me, the one-armed, left-handed Steadicam operator. I still can't believe it."

Not everyone in Hollywood is excited about Aronofsky's innovations. In particular, Ted Mundorff, Landmark Theatre's CEO and head film buyer, was none-too-pleased to find out that Aronofsky was planning a technological revolution in independent cinema. "We just went through an expensive transition to digital 3D exhibition," said Mundorff, "and now Aronofsky has demanded we retrofit all of our arthouse theatres with left armrests. This is an art movie, a character study about a left-handed card player. The existing right armrests already installed throughout our chain of cinemas should be more than sufficient for this film."

Aronofsky is repped by Craig Gering at CAA.

Egyptian political dissident Al Johan issued his first tweet since the internet blackout silenced the entire country of Egypt last week. In a terse, politically charged sentence fragment @the_al_johan was able to maintain a live internet connection just long enough to tweet #iheartyoulindsay @lindsaylohan.

His words reverberated (read: retweeted) throughout his 90000 followers, with #iheartyoulindsay pushing the beleaguered actress into twitter's trending topics for the first time since the Egyptian crisis began.

Many publicists in Hollywood have come to rely on the grassroots publicity only tweets can provide and have called the Egyptian situation a total PR disaster right smack dab in the middle of awards season.

Lohan is repped by Nick Styne at CAA.