The Follywood Reporter Satirical News in Hollywood, California
Nationwide Open Call Casting Ends with Selection of Director's GF
HOLLYWOOD, CA - After a 3 month ordeal that began with a queue of 5000 hopeful teen girls stretching five blocks from the Windsor Gate on Melrose around the corner to the walk-through on Gower, Paramount has selected a new female lead for the forthcoming adaptation of the YA novel, Statutory High.
Described as 50 Shades of Gray meets Twilight, Statutory tells the story of a teen's forbidden love affair with her twentysomething homeroom teacher.
"After reviewing more than 300 audition tapes, it was clear that the most qualified candidate was my girlfriend, Dani," said director Steve Yarrow. "There were many, many terrific actresses who auditioned for the part," he continued, "but the main problem was most of them were not GF material. A lot of them delivered terrific, nuanced performances but they typically already had a BF. Or they weren't really my type. I was even open to choices that might be a good GF in the future. But in the end, it really came down to that one actress whose work I am most familiar with and who straight up told me she would break up with me if I didn't cast her in the movie."
Casting presented a wide array of diverse choices to director Yarrow, but ultimately (Steve's) mom had told him it was weird to date girls outside his own race, said sources close to the production.
Prior to launching the open call, Yarrow had reportedly passed on Chloe Moretz (too much like a girl who dissed him in 10th grade history class) and Selena Gomez (reminded him of a girl called Melinda Garcia who Yarrow used to like but doesn't anymore since she totally got her tongue pierced).
Production on Statutory is due to begin in November.
SILICON VALLEY, CA - A cool new startup company promises to store your cherished memories in the cloud forever. Or until they're acquired by Yahoo! or Google: whichever comes first.
memor.ly (recently raised almost 300,000 on kickstarter) is a lot like a traditional family photo album: it's a great place to store memories. Until your house burns down in a fire. And by fire, we also mean "exit strategy"... our way of saying that your life is over now that our stock options have vested and we can finally cash out.
memor.ly has a neat iPhone.app that captures life's most important moments using the built-in camera. Both photos and videos can be uploaded to the cloud where they'll be a permanent record of your family's life. Or until memor.ly burns through their 1M in Series A funding and are forced to reinvent themselves as a SaaS company.
Even if that does happen, you'll be given at least 30 days to download all your data from the cloud before the servers go dark.
Total Nerd Designs Fishbowl-like Social Networking Website
SILICON VALLEY, CA - Remember that guy, Marc Leduc; that slightly-weird-loner type from Calculus 203? Did he even have any friends? Yah, he spent all his time in a computer lab like some kind of weird lab rat.
Well, it turns out that he's pretty good at something called PHP and he built a social networking website that makes it look like you have a lot of friends when you really don't. And the website is like a fishbowl where you connect with "friends" but you can also see oddly personal details about their life that most friends would rather not ever see. Like what their bedroom looks like in the morning after a one night stand with a mutual "friend".
It's kind of like a website for "friends" designed by someone who, well, never was really good at making friends.
More than anything, this is a website designed to encourage the creepy compulsion you have for what Stacey and her boyfriend of 12 years are doing on their dates. Like how she looks in a bikini when she's with her BF at the beach. And all that other stuff you would know if you had only dated her instead of thinking about asking her out.
I'm only telling you this because I have an account and, well, Stacey has a profile. Thought you should know.
HOLLYWOOD, CA - According to a new study at the UC Berkeley Haas School of Business, the failure of new television shows can be traced to a single dish served by craft services during pilot season. The dish is well-known to actors, writers and producers as "weird cheesy broccoli".
The study finds that dramatic performances were reduced by up to 70% following lunchtime consumption of cheesy broccoli. Even television pilot scripts deemed to be hilarious by members of the Emmy Awards committee were judged to be "so-so" when read immediately after the consumption of cheesy broccoli.
Sources close to the broccoli say the dish is initially tasty but leads to a bizarre aftertaste and several hours of disquieting gastro-intestinal growling.
Proponents of cheesy broccoli say it meets the high-protein dietary needs of demanding jobs like "television show runner". Detractors say that cheesy broccoli is destroying scripted television while advocates point out that reality show productions seem to be flourishing on craft-service provided cheesy broccoli.
Analysis of data from 73,000 people, led by the Haas School, found a specific ingredient of the cheesy dish is closely associated with comedy failure. It opens up a new direction in work looking at how the cheesy broccoli functions as until now the focus has been on its effects on weight gain and factors such as cheesiness and gooeyness.
Nancy's On-Again, Off-Again Relationship with Rick
HOLLYWOOD, CA -
Nancy the barista/actress has decided to get back together with her ex-boyfriend/actor, Rick. She dated him back when he was her boyfriend/series regular on Friday Night Lights but broke up with him shortly after the series ended.
She really didn't think they had a future together. It wasn't love, it was lust, she told her actress/BFF Sheila. Especially after Rick failed to book a series last year. She was like, "I'm thinking of dating my agent because his clients are really, really busy and I need a way to distract him from the fact that I haven't booked anything in 3 years. He's old and homely, but love is blind, right?"
However, after Rick booked that new Vince Vaughn movie and the off-cycle SHO pilot, Nancy realized she and Rick were meant for each other. "Sometimes true love just needs a break to realize that it's truly true love. We look so cute together on the red carpet."
If Rick's new pilot doesn't get a series order, Nancy may need to take another break from the relationship to reevaluate her options and get back in touch with herself. Especially since Nancy's ex-ex-boyfriend/writer Dan just got an overall deal with 20th Century Fox. Dan used to be a good-for-nothing deadbeat writer. JK. "I've always had a special place in my heart for Dan," Nancy said, "he was my first Hollywood boyfriend. I could totally see myself getting back together with him if one of the three pilots he's developing are sold. Especially if one goes direct to series. He always said he writes his female characters with me in mind. He's so cute again now that he has a career."
HOLLYWOOD, CA - 13 year old blogger Josh Evans aka twitter.com/retweetsme has sold the rights to his twitter feed for a six figure sum, sources close to the Josh tell us.
Josh Evans is best known as a retweeter of celebrity tweets. He does not write original tweets. He only retweets those tweets worth retweeting. His unique twitter feed and 700,000 kabillion followers caught the eye of development exec Roger Brighton, who is just a little too old to understand what twitter is all about, sources say.
"It's not plagiarism," said Josh, "it's like, duh, retweeting. Are you like, retarded? Go back to friendster, fool."
Evans' twitter feed will be adapted for television by Akiva Schaffer who totally gets Josh and what he's doing on twitter.
Judd Apatow sells new sitcom "MY GUY FRIENDS' GIRLFRIENDS".
HOLLYWOOD, CA - EXCLUSIVE - THE FWR SAT DOWN WITH JUDD APATOW RECENTLY TO DISCUSS HIS HIT SHOW 'HBO GIRLS' AND HIS NEW TV SHOW "MY GUY FRIENDS' GIRLFRIENDS"
FWR: Judd, HBO GIRLS is a cultural phenomenon, congratulations on that.
FWR: I understand you have a new show that you're developing, can you tell us a little about that.
JAP: Sure. My new show is called "MY GUY FRIENDS' GIRLFRIENDS" and it is, quite literally, a show featuring my guy friends' girlfriends. I mean, being "the Judd Apatow" isn't easy because even though my guy friends are cool, their girlfriends are always asking their boyfriends to ask me to get them a job in a Judd Apatow movie or now, with the success of HBO GIRLS, a Judd Apatow sitcom. Normally I don't like to put my friends into my productions because everyone knows that once you start cutting corners with the writing/casting process pretty soon your shows aren't funny and shortly after that you're not "the Judd Apatow" anymore. And I seriously like being both Judd Apatow and "the Judd Apatow". But as I looked around I realized a lot of my guy friends' girlfriends were actresses but they weren't really working much. Since I'm a comedian, my first thought was "these girls probably aren't very good" but then my guy friends' girlfriends convinced their boyfriends to convince me that that wasn't the case. So I decided to create, for Icelandic Television, a Judd Apatow sitcom that would literally employ all my guy friends' girlfriends.
FWR: It's a scripted comedy, right? Are you writing the show?
JAP: Yes, it's a sitcom that ironically, most people probably won't find funny. This is a pet project that probably only "the Judd Apatow" will find funny. I'm not writing: the show is being written, in Iceland, by an actress slash writer slash babysitter who is the girlfriend of one of my guy friends.
FWR: A situation comedy set in Iceland is a totally original idea, did you run into any problems getting such an original idea into production?
JAP: Yes. At first my guy friends' girlfriends were like "We don't want to move to Iceland for 11 months out of the year, we like living in Los Angeles. Can't you set it in Silverlake? Or Glendale? Or Compton?" A lot of people don't know this but producing television in Iceland is substantially less expensive than in Los Angeles. For about the price of a box of cupcakes from the Magnolia Bakery in West Hollywood I can produce a whole season of Icelandic television. So I said to my guy friends' girlfriends "Do you want to be in a Judd Apatow sitcom or not?" And then my wife said to my guy friends' girlfriends, "Do you want to be in a Judd Apatow sitcom or not?" Then my guy friends said to their girlfriends "You bitched about this for the last two years and now it's happening and you're complaining about where the project is shooting?" Then the barista said, "Do you want to be in a Judd Apatow sitcom or not?" So then my guy friends' girlfriends said "JK, we totally want to be in a Judd Apatow sitcom."
FWR: So all your guy friends' girlfriends are in the show and it's set in Iceland.
JAP: Not quite. Because then my best friend's girlfriend said, "First, I asked for a SOY cappuccino and second, I don't want to move to Iceland." And then my best friend said "She doesn't want to move to Iceland." At first I was thinking to myself, "Fuck, well then why don't you take a class at iO, UCB, The Second City or The Groundlings like most of the fucking people in my projects," but then I was like (to myself) "Hey, this is my best friend's girlfriend." So then I said to my best friend's girlfriend, "Well, I can either get you on a team at the UCB -or- recurring on HBO GIRLS, but GIRLS involves nudity and moving to New York for 11 months out of the year." And my best friend's girlfriend was right away like, "I'll take the part on GIRLS." So, long story short, all my guy friends' girlfriends are moving to Iceland to shoot "MY GUY FRIENDS' GIRLFRIENDS" for Icelandic television and my best friend's girlfriend is moving to New York so Lena Dunham can have a body double for the hilarious nude scenes where she experiments with anal beads in *** spoiler *** 'Season 3 of HBO GIRLS'.
FWR: Are you going to Iceland?
JAP: Not right away. When my kids get older I might take them to Iceland on a vacation, because it's a desolate place far away from Los Angeles. But not until they're older. Instead of Iceland, we might go to Thunder Bay because then we can drive and tell everyone we stayed in Winnipeg.
DISCLAIMER: This post is allegorical. It's sad to think you might believe it's about Judd Apatow.
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Inga, that girl with really nice tits, has landed the writing job that everyone was wondering about. If you've never heard of Inga, don't worry, she's not really a writer. Her friend Pat is repped by Untitled and Inga was waiting in the lobby after driving Pat to the appointment. Scot with one T, the exec responsible for staffing the job, came out to say goodbye and noticed Inga and her tits waiting in the lobby.
"It was between me and one other girl," said Inga. "I almost didn't get it because security didn't want to let me on the Sony Lot without a drive-on. I had to ask extra nice and explain that Pat was late for the meeting."
Pat spent three sleepless days punching up an original pilot, a Modern Family spec and a sweet micro-budget indie feature that everyone says will be the darling of Sundance if it ever gets made. Inga wore the right top: a tattered old CBGB T-shirt so threadbare it's practically see-through, a shirt that totally reminds Scot with one T of his East Village days when he was schlepping envelopes in the mailroom at WMA.
Inga doesn't currently have any representation, but that's OK because Scot with one T is going to set her up some meetings. There's no hurry because they're going to be seeing each other almost every day while they get the script ready for Smokehouse.
BET Launches Writer Diversity Program for Young White Writers
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Black Entertainment Television (BET) today announced the first annual diversity in writing fellowship: a screenwriting program aimed at empowering a new generation of young white males to write for black television.
"Traditionally, BET has demonstrated a strong tendency to hiring African American writers," said BET president Debra Lee. "Our new diversity initiative aims to offset that bias by training this generation's white Ivy League graduates in the techniques of black television writing."
Fellowship recipients can choose from either a comedy or drama track.
Ghost of Sir Lawrence Olivier Upset with imdb Ranking
LONDON, UK (via SANTA MONICA, CA). Trent, an independent Ouija-board operator, recently made contact with the disembodied spirit of the late Sir Lawrence Olivier. Working feverishly through the night, Trent learned that the two-time Oscar-award winning actor is rather upset with the current state of his "dismal" imdb starmeter ranking.
Olivier, whose career spanned three decades and four continents, is particularly upset to be trailing the likes of Lindsay Lohan, Ashley Tisdale and "those infernal Khardashian wenches", but pleased to learn he is more than five thousand points above Donny Osmond.
Olivier reiterated his desire to renew his appeal with the younger audiences and confirmed rumours that he may appear in Paranormal Activity 5, Scream 5 and the untitled Alfred Hitchcock project.
New Actress in Hollywood is like a black Zooey Deschanel
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Danielle Vidal, who recently moved to Hollywood from Three Rivers Minnesota, wants the whole world to know that everyone in her hometown says she is just like a black Zooey Deschanel. "Everyone. I mean, my mom, my sister, my best friend Tacey; they all say I'm exactly like a black Zooey Deschanel," she continued, "Back in high school, I thought I had everything figured out. After scoring well on my SAT and writing a compelling essay to the Dean of Admissions, I was headed straight to Princeton. I mean, can you believe I once wanted to study medicine? So crazy. Everyone was like 'You're exactly like a black Zooey Deschanel, you should go to Hollywood.' At first, I was all 'Nevermind that, I want a college degree from an Ivy League school!' but after a while I started to realize they were right. College can wait. I don't mind working at Burger King until Hollywood discovers I'm exactly like a black Zooey Deschanel."
Her roommate, Irene, totally agrees. Irene says everyone they meet says Danielle is like a black Zooey Deschanel and everyone says she is like the Asian Beyonce Knowles. "At BK we work with this guy, Luis, who is like a Mexican Dave Chappelle, he's soooooo funny. Luis is always saying 'Irene you should take acting classes with me and Danielle because you're practically an Asian Beyonce Knowles.'
"Sometimes at work we just hang out in the alley behind BK talking about what it's gonna be like when we're famous, but it's cool because our boss Pete is okay with it. Pete is totally a Swedish Cee Lo Green. He's from Sweden really and has a crazy accent and an album coming out on iTunes. He's not like a regular boss, he's just one of us."
OLSO, NORWAY - The Norsk League of Germanic Pantheon Druids is calling for a ban of Natalie Portman starrer, "Thor".
"This film could seriously hurt religious sentiments," NLGPD spokesperson Groensk the Fearsome was quoted as saying in media reports over the weekend. "The Germanic Pantheon is not understood by the majority of people yet, and many non-pagans may mistake the content as the truth," he said.
NLGPD secretary general Odin has reportedly written to Jack Valenti asking for a ban on the film's release. Odin's letter was delivered to MPAA offices in Sherman Oaks by a 6'6" red-haired woman - identified only as Helga - who was wearing a blood-soaked chainmail bikini and a newly honed Dane Axe.
Christian groups protested "The Da Vinci Code" in 2006, but the matter was resolved when the studio added a disclaimer stating that the film was a work of fiction.
NEW YORK, NY - Legendary director Sidney Lumet disappointed Fred, a prominent packaging agent, by failing to keep his promise to finish reading the script before passing away Saturday.
"The question I keep asking myself: Is he still attached to direct the film or not?", said Fred, "I don't think I need to remind everyone just how difficult it is to get a two-time Academy Award ® winning film director interested in a project from a television writer. The producer, the writer and myself will be looking to probate for some answers. I can tell you right now: if Mr. Lumet is not 100% committed to this project, a rumor is circulating that Clint Eastwood sparked to the material. I wouldn't know, because I haven't talked to him directly. Because clearly that would be inappropriate given the circumstances."
Trent, an independent Ouija-board operator, reports that Mr. Lumet is "enjoying life in Gan Eden", but that "It's no New York, I tell you. I mean, have you even tried the coffee?"
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Natalie Portman, a recent college graduate and expecting mother, like so many young people who opt to attend America's colleges, continues to struggle under the heavy burden of student loans accumulated while pursuing her undergraduate education.
Like many former students, the Oscar® winning actress survived Harvard by working a variety of part-time and odd jobs, including The Other Boelyn Girl, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium and The Simpsons. She saved money by purchasing used textbooks and consuming a diet consisting largely of Ramen noodles and Veuve Clicquot.
Still, she has not lost hope and remains optimistic about the economy in general and job prospects. With the increased awareness about her situation, she hopes one day to get a job in an Adam Sandler movie.
HOLLYWOOD, CA - According to a cashier named Benito, Oscar ® winner Colin Firth has misplaced his golden Oscar ® statue in a curio shoppe on Hollywood Blvd.
Since winning cinema's highest honor, Firth has been entertaining visiting relatives and sources close to the Academy Award ® winner say his mum insisted on traipsing through local tourist attractions with the entire family in tow.
"Colin and his little golden statue had been inseparable," said a woman identified only as Sheila, "He refused to set it down. He carried it everywhere with him."
The statue went missing when his mum, Mrs. Firth, wandered into a curio shoppe at the corner of Hollywood and Highland.
"She dragged him (Colin) into the shop and insisted he help her find both a personalized keychain and license plate named 'Sheila'. While in the store Firth became distracted by a photograph of Christina Aguilera and absentmindedly set the statue down upon a display filled with thousands of plastic Oscar ® statue replicas."
Around the same time, Benito says he sold an oversize Oscar ® statue to a Japanese tourist for $10.99 plus tax.
"I'd like to give a more specific description of the man, but all Asian people look alike to me," confessed Benito.
Firth is repped by Chris Andrews at CAA. Benito is repped by Fred Granger at New Artists Agency.
Charlie Sheen hits Chuck Lorre with mighty Eldritch Blast
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Charlie Sheen demonstrated today just how dangerous an agitated Warlock can prove to be in armed combat when he scorched Chuck Lorre with a level 19 Eldritch Blast.
Sheen grinned as the twenty-sided dice tumbled to a halt at 19, one short of maximum power. Lorre mustered only a 12 in his defensive roll and his Red Mage lost 15 hit points and almost half his vitality.
Relaxing in his own magical aura, Sheen pulled out a portable hole, reached inside, and then quaffed a spherical treasure bearing a striking similarity to the common speedball.
Sheen is repped by Gandalf the Grey at Middle Earth Entertainment.
Charlie Sheen offered $2M/Episode to Rant Incoherently
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Charlie Sheen's personal troubles are nothing if not a Nielsen's ratings magnet. This week the beleagured star received multiple offers of $2M per televised rant from a variety of scripted episodics not produced by Chuck Lorre.
"All we want Charlie to do is stumble onto the set, do a tequila shot, and lick salt from the left pectoral muscle of Frankie Shaw," said Eric Falconer, exec prod. of Blue Mountain State, "I think it's safe to say that's well-within Charlie's wheelhouse." Falconer then high-fived this reporter and quickly added "Yo Charlie, we've totally got your back, bro'."
Hellcats exec prod. Kevin Murphy expressed similar sentiments, "We'd love to have Charlie up here in Vancouver - to do a cameo, to get away from it all or to just avoid an awkward arrest warrant. Our pledge is to surround Sheen with busty young women in their early 20s. In short, to create a safe and comfortable environment for him to work in. If that's too familiar, we'd love to have him in a hand to hand knife duel with the Cylon prototype on Caprica."
Sheen is currently repped by Mark Burg at Evolution Entertainment.
Writers Protest by Mocking Charlie Sheen Exclusively
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Basic cable and internet comedy writers, protesting pay inequities for doing the same job as their prime time counterparts, this week began sharing a solemn vigil, a comedic solidarity, by vowing to only write jokes about Charlie Sheen. And by all accounts, it's working.
"It's like a having a week off with full pay," said one writer for a scathingly funny satirical talk show on a VIACOM subsidiary," I mean, Charlie Sheen jokes practically write themselves. This past week we let the accounting staff write most of the Charlie Sheen bits while we played foosball. The accounting-types did a great job, but it was weird proofing the scripts because they were submitted in Microsoft Excel format."
"I've never seen anything like this," said Konrad Feldman, CEO of internet statistics firm Quantcast," the twitterverse, blogosphere and youtube are choked with jokey verbage featuring the juxtaposition of 'porn star' and 'warlock', two words which, statistically speaking, should never appear in the same sentence together."
Sheen, for the time being, is repped by Mark Burg at Evolution Entertainment.
Stars Rally around Moammar Gadhafi with Benefit Concert
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Nelly Furtado, Beyonce, Usher and Mariah Carey today announced plans to hold a benefit concert/cultural festival for their beleaguered friend, Libyan leader and misunderstood humanitarian pacifist Moammar Gadhafi.
No concert date has been announced, but the charity event has already raised almost $4M from a philanthropic anonymous donor described only as the corrupt dictator of a totalitarian police state.
Details surrounding the event are few and far between but the festival has been described as "Lollapalooza meets Orwellian Utopia" or Totallotopia.
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Actor James Franco, best known as the son of Willem Defoe's Green Goblin in the Spiderman movie franchise, today revealed plans to amputate the hosting arm of his career.
A retrospective montage of Franco's hosting was featured during last night's Oscar ® telecast, paying homage to the star responsible for so many inimitable moments in television gala hosting. Among those moments remembered: the actor staring blankly off into space, catatonic teleprompter fixation, and the uncanny ability to ignore Anne Hathaway's cleavage.
Franco, for the most part, seems unconcerned with the loss. In post-Oscar ® celebrations the star was reported to be more concerned about whether pink makes his butt look fat in HD.
Franco is also the new face of Vicodin. He's repped by Kami Putnam-Heist at CAA.
BURBANK, CA - The Academy of Red Carpet Vendors ® said shortages of Red Carpet #902 is set to put a wrinkle in this year's Oscars ® awards ceremony.
"The vending of red carpet is not commerce but a blend of art and science," said Academy spokesperson Brian Granger. "The Oscars ® red carpet is assigned an official Pantone ® color and the Emmys ® use a completely different shade of red. Unfortunately, the explosion of new awards ceremonies has created a demand for Red Carpet #902 that vastly exceeds our manufacturing capability, not to mention viewer interest. In the past few years alone, we've seen an explosion of new awards shows. Organizers of The Indies, The Slammys, and The Screamies all clamor for the exact same thing: Red Carpet #902, or as the saying goes: you know, the one that makes my show look most like the Oscars ®."
The red carpet shortage is the latest setback in what promised to be a televised awards ceremony featuring celebrities both walking down and accepting awards on Red Carpet #902. Not all celebrities will be affected. Recipients of Best Actor ®, Best Actress ® and Best Motion Picture ® will stride gracefully on Academy ® official Red Carpet #902. However, those receiving awards for supporting roles and awards for foreign language and documentary films will be forced to make do with Red Carpet #901, originally designed for Target ® store aisles. Unlike #902, Red Carpet #901 is produced in sufficient quantities to satisfy even the least culturally relevant awards shows.
Strong demand for Academy ® Red Carpet #902 from new shows like The Streamys, The Webbys, and The Redundies has placed unprecedented demand on #902, leading directly to this year's shortage.
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Actor Jeff Bridges was attached to star in biopic: Jeff Bridges: the Man, the Dude, the Actor. Project is described as the autobiographical story of Jeff Bridges, as seen through the eyes of Jeff Bridges.
The Lifetime movie project is being produced by Bridges' As Is Productions and is written, directed and produced by Jeff Bridges.
"We really wanted Jeff Bridges for this film," said director Jeff Bridges, "but unfortunately, our $3-7M budget did not allow us to meet his quote."
"This is my life, man, I mean, the dude is very much in demand now, and when the dude is in demand, the dude has to do what's best for the dude," said actor Jeff Bridges, "I mean, they say the dude is too fuckin' expensive for this film! What can I say, man, if the dude is too expensive, the dude is too fuckin' expensive."
"On a project of this kind, it is important to secure a leading man of Bridges' calibre," said producer Jeff Bridges, "but in this economy sometimes you have to exercise a little lateral thinking, which is why we went with Kurt Russell."
Bridges is repped by CAA and The Schiff Company. Russell is repped by Michael Cooper at CAA.
HOLLYWOOD, CA - The story is all too familiar: a painfully beautiful girl is discovered on a dance floor by Ford Models, spends her late teens on the runways of Paris and Milan only to be rediscovered by Hollywood when a Maxim photo spread creates an involuntary erection in a corner office at CAA.
Well, two-time Academy Award winner Meryl Streep may well be the first to make the transition from acclaimed actress to vacuous model.
"When I was an acting student," said Streep, "I used to look upon these women with some admiration: How could they stand and deliver wooden, emotionless performances with a complete lack of self-awareness? It seemed to me that if they had the wherewithal to pursue acting, I might be well-advised to pursue a second career in print modeling. You know what? It turns out that print modeling is not all that difficult: all you need is an agent, a personal trainer and an eating disorder. And if your trainer is good enough, a masochistic nutritionist will do in lieu of a real disorder."
With sixteen Oscar nominations and two wins, many felt Streep had achieved all that was practically possible. It turns out they were wrong. This past week while shooting a magazine spread under the watchful eye of photographer Anton Corbijn, Streep suffered a loss of consciousness stemming from low blood sugar and fell, knocking over a Wescott Softbox Halon light. The resulting fire proved once and for all that Streep has all the right stuff for print modeling.
Streep is repped by Kevin Huvane at CAA. Corbijn is repped by Independent Talent Group.
Many in Hollywood say the craft service industry would benefit from an overhaul. Today, the number one complaint against craft services is nepotism and the number two complaint are those things that they try to pass off as burritos.
I mean, after all, this is Los Angeles and we know Mexican food. You can find it almost any street corner. Tasty tacos, quesadilla and burritos are very familiar to Los Angeles residents, so don't go trying to tell us those limp, soggy flour tortillas are burritos. And while you're at it, maybe you could consider throwing a bone to those of us with chef and/or catering experience. Yeah, Mr. Craft Service, I'm talking about how you hired your nephew to run the lunch truck when he hadn't even completed high school. Everyone knows that there were plenty of highly qualified applicants for that job. We saw the posting on monster.com, and some of us even had interned at the ABC Disney cafeteria in Burbank.
If you're a director or a producer and your latest feature failed to produce any meaningful Oscar buzz, consider this: the craft services programs at UCLA, AFI and USC are turning out lots of talented new grads every year. I mean, they come from all over this great country of ours with a dream: to feed our nation's celebrities with tasty and nutritious lunch fare. The marinated bean salad recipe served at the CSI:Miami location shoot last week hasn't been updated since Telly Savalas had a full head of hair and was shooting the Kojak pilot. Why? You know why! Nepotism. It's not just the bean salad either. Don't get me started on those sugary treats you call dessert!
Cowboys and Aliens, Jon Favreau's new scifi action/fantasy proves to be exactly what the largely Republican Scottsdale, AZ suburban demographic was craving.
Cowboys and Aliens tells the story of an alien race that invades the state of Arizona.
In test screenings of the movie in Scottsdale, enthusiastic audiences roared with approval as Arizona cowboys unleashed a hail of good, old-fashioned hot lead gunfire into wave after wave of invading aliens.
An unidentified employee for the National Research Group said moviegoers were completing their post-screening questionnaires in record time and many of those who saw the film requested additional blank sheets of paper to offer helpful suggestions about how the movie could be improved.
"I think Obama should invest at least 3 billion for the US Border Patrol here in Arizona," wrote one cinema-goer.
"I like the part where the red-blooded Americans with American-born parents are blowing the illegal aliens to smithereens." wrote another.
"Probably the scariest movie I saw this year," wrote Senator John McCain, "but I really liked the happy ending where all the unwelcome aliens are forcibly removed from the region and the great state of Arizona is once again a safe haven for American families."
The big screen adaptation of Scott Mitchell Rosenberg's graphic novel is set to debut this summer with a script penned by Trek writers Kurzman and Orci.
Favreau is repped by Spencer Baumgarten at CAA. Kurzman and Orci are repped by Todd Feldman at CAA.
Aronofsky to helm next film with one hand tied behind his back.
Writer/director/auteur Darren S. Aronofsky is set to helm his next feature, The Leftie, with one hand tied behind his back. Aronofsky is rumored to have penned the first draft of the script on an Underwood typewriter using only his left hand.
"There's nothing like awards season to remind me that I once found this craft challenging and engaging," Aronofsky confided in an acquaintance, "but now I find the work pedestrian and this constant rain of accolades tiresome."
"The prospect of working with a genius director is exciting," said Roger Bloom, a veteran Steadicam operator who lost his right hand last year in an accident with a Warner Bros. forklift. "It looked like my Steadicam career was over until Aronofsky came calling last week. My agent told me he asked for me specifically. He asked for me, the one-armed, left-handed Steadicam operator. I still can't believe it."
Not everyone in Hollywood is excited about Aronofsky's innovations. In particular, Ted Mundorff, Landmark Theatre's CEO and head film buyer, was none-too-pleased to find out that Aronofsky was planning a technological revolution in independent cinema. "We just went through an expensive transition to digital 3D exhibition," said Mundorff, "and now Aronofsky has demanded we retrofit all of our arthouse theatres with left armrests. This is an art movie, a character study about a left-handed card player. The existing right armrests already installed throughout our chain of cinemas should be more than sufficient for this film."
Egyptian political dissident Al Johan issued his first tweet since the internet blackout silenced the entire country of Egypt last week. In a terse, politically charged sentence fragment @the_al_johan was able to maintain a live internet connection just long enough to tweet #iheartyoulindsay @lindsaylohan.
His words reverberated (read: retweeted) throughout his 90000 followers, with #iheartyoulindsay pushing the beleaguered actress into twitter's trending topics for the first time since the Egyptian crisis began.
Many publicists in Hollywood have come to rely on the grassroots publicity only tweets can provide and have called the Egyptian situation a total PR disaster right smack dab in the middle of awards season.
Ben, who moved to Los Feliz from Richardson, Texas nine years ago, was awarded his third SAG voucher today for his work in an as-yet-untitled USC thesis film.
"I'm sure there will be a great deal of debate tonight about who deserved what SAG awards," said Ben, "so I hope everyone will remember who it was that stood in a USC dumpster in the pouring rain. I'm an artist: a thespian, a craftsman. It's not like I took a shortcut to this award like my roommate Ron did by doing extra work for Central Casting. I don't want to cheapen this night with interpersonal squabbles, but I do admit I was jealous when my friend Jessica won the Taft-Hartley award a year ago. In retrospect, I do think it speaks to her talent, and not because she slept with the producer, which is what I told everyone last year."
Today, the predominantly white male committee announced their selections for the past year's most talented predominantly white male entertainers. The list includes a terrific list of predominantly white males, including gifted and predominantly white male writers, visionary and predominantly white male directors and recognition of powerful dramatic performances given by predominantly white male actors.
Also among the selections were a number of twentysomething Asian and Latina women, many of whom are considered extremely sexy to look at by members of the predominantly white male committee. The list also includes a surprising number of white female fashion-models-turned-movie-stars who have had just enough cosmetic surgery to look vaguely Asian.
Many of those predominantly white male entertainment professionals were on hand today to accept heartfelt congratulations from their ethnically diverse co-workers and predominantly non-white household staff, many of whom hope that a major success for their predominantly white male boss will have a spillover effect on their own careers.
One notable predominantly white male auteur, Jim, expressed a heartfelt thanks to his team of Korean animators, many of whom were unable to attend today's announcement (they're hard at work in Korea on Jim's next project) and whose names are especially difficult to say aloud or even recognize during the end title crawl.
But in Hollywood, even the disappointment of not being nominated by a predominantly white male committee is short lived: the East Indian thespian who played East Indian Taxi Driver in TRON Legacy reports that his career is now in overdrive. Being featured in a major motion picture with one predominately white male actor who played two lead roles (protagonist and antagonist) has resulted in major recognition! He wowed audiences by his hilarious portrayal of East Indian Taxi Driver, and the East Indian actor now reports he's attached to a variety of studio film projects starring predominantly white male actors, including roles as East Indian Convenience Store Clerk, East Indian Terrorist Cell Member, and East Indian Bollywood Type Guy.
East Indian thespian is repped by Aaron Alexander at King Talent.
HOLLYWOOD, CA - At the urging of his wife, Wendi, Rupert Murdoch this past week took full advantage of Nordstrom's liberal return policy and returned myspace.com to a Menlo Park Nordstrom store less than a mile from the Sandhill Road M&A offices where, in 2005, lawyers and investment bankers negotiated the News Corp. purchase of the social networking site for 600 million dollars.
Sources close to Murdoch stated the News Corp. CEO was "very satisfied" with the $100.00 gift certificate he received - valid toward any purchase made in any of the retail giant's 100 stores. After leaving customer service, however, the mogul became increasingly disconsolate as he sat quietly for 15 minutes of Mozart's piano concerto #5.
Lindsay Lohan Urges Twitter to Increase 140 character limitation
HOLLYWOOD, CA - In a succinct tweet this past week, Lindsay Lohan implored Twitter engineers to increase the 140 character limit to a more civilized number.
"At key moments of epiphany, I feel compelled to digress at length upon those issues which affect me uniquely," she tweeted, "and although I agree the 140 character limit was suitable for the 'proof of concept' staging servers employed prior to twitter's launch, the actual choice of 140 characters is arbitrary, and I think anyone who has designed an SQL schema can attest to that fact," she continued (in her blog).
"I continue to be afflicted by complex emotional states brought on by the challenge of what Sarte might describe as 'the unexamined life'," she continued, "and I suffer under the 140 character limit as I endeavor to express the entirety of same in a manner both poetic and comprehensible to the proletariat whom I am indentured to serve."
"WTF, I shudder to think I am alone in chafing under this arbitrary limitation."
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Brody Jenner, son of Olympic Decathlete Bruce Jenner, is set to best his dad's records in track and field now that EA Olympics is coming to the XBox 360.
Sources close to Brody Jenner said the star had been busy beta-testing the game for Electronic Arts and, after just a few days with the Olympic games, expressed concerns that his dad's achievements were like, way, way, over-exaggerated. "I crushed Dad's best score in the triple-jump even before my thumb got tired," he explained, "I can't believe he actually trained for these games. I mean, look at me here chillaxing on the couch: do I look like I need to train for a decathlon? No. I was born ready."
"When I was growing up, I kept hearing about how great my Dad was. World record in this, Olympic gold medal in that! It turns out he was not that great. I mean, was he a reality TV star at age 25? No. He wasn't even that famous. Kim is famous. Dad was a minor TV personality at best."
According to sources close to the family, relations between Brody and Bruce are tense, especially with the recent appearance of EA Online Pass player "Decathlete76". Kardashians close to Dad report he's been spending inordinate amounts of time in the den, no explanation given, and recently suffered a strain in the metacarpophalangeal joints of his right hand. Khloe said Dad's right hand is "totally, definitely his jumping hand" and "does my ass look big in this thong?"
Bob, who recently learned that you're in the entertainment business and have access to major stars like Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves, has a great idea for a vampire movie. Bob's movie idea is a totally new take on the vampire movie genre. It's completely original, something nobody has ever thought of before.
Not only is Bob willing to sell you the idea so that you can make it into a huge Hollywood movie, but all he wants is around a million dollars.
That Thing That Never Happens to Jen Happened to Jen
HOLLYWOOD, CA (AP) - Remember last week when Jen was like, "That never happens to me." -- I know, right? Anyway, she was totally in line at the Quickie mart at the corner of Franklin and Beechwood waiting to pay and that totally hot guy from that TV show drove up to get gas and he totally got in line right behind her.
She didn't know what to do so she texted me from the line and she was all "This never happens to me! What should I do?". And I'm like, "Stop texting me and talk to him." But since that totally never happens to Jen, she like totally didn't know what to do. So she pretended she didn't know him.
As soon as she got back in her car she called me and she was like, "That never happens to me!"
HOLLYWOOD, CA - A division of VIACOM tasked with creating edgy, viral clips for the company's web site is having trouble keeping up with Kansas City resident Bob McPatrick and his Siamese cat, Sparkles.
This morning McPatrick updated his blog, retweeted a diverse selection of celebrity twitters and had time to cook his wife pancakes before uploading the first episode of his latest YouTube series starring nine year old Sparkles, all while VIACOM employees were stuck in traffic on the 10 between Bundy and Cloverfield.
Not only is YouTube channel SparklesCatz more popular than the B-list-starrer webisodes produced by the VIACOM division, Bob is writing and producing for Sparkles each day before he rides his recumbent bicycle three miles to the General Mills warehouse where he works full time as a shipping clerk.
VIACOM employees worry that Bob will soon accumulate enough Best Buy Reward Zone points to get that second HD camcorder he's been writing about on his blog. "And if he figures out how to use a greenscreen, we're f*cked," said one VIACOM P.A. who asked to remain anonymous, "Last year, when Bob upgraded to iMovie 09, management cut our budget in half and made those of us who didn't get laid off go into the Genius Bar for training."
Sources close to Bob say he is worried about the toll a celebrity lifestyle will take on Sparkles. The cat has been admitted twice this month to the Noah's Arc Animal Clinic to treat respiratory problems stemming from hater comments posted to her YouTube.
Sparkles is repped by local Kansas City firm Van Osol, Magruder, Erickson, Bay.
Barista "just knows" Pilot is better than anything on TV
WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA - Josh, who many customers from the Coffee Bean at 8793 Beverly Blvd know simply as "joshin' Josh", recently completed his first pilot script using the demo version of Final Draft. Sources close to the writer report that Josh "just knows his new TV show will be much better than the crap that Hollywood is currently passing off as entertainment."
According to his girlfriend, Tanya, Josh's pilot script is totally awesome!!! Tanya added that she "totally believes" in Josh, and that he's "really talented". The two met at Coffee Bean when they were forced <3 to close the store together one fateful night in December of '09.
An anonymous tipster reports that youtube sensation The Annoying Orange is especially annoying to UT8 New Media agent Jason Niggle. With 150 million views, and no signs of slowing, The Annoying Orange is best described as the hobby of a guy who bought a webcam at Best Buy to go with the laptop his mom got him for graduation.
"I had a web series greenlight at Warner," said Niggle, "We pitched lonelygirl15 plus 8. We had a name attached and the series was set to start shooting in October with a SAG New Media contract that promised our clients a fat bonus if the YouTube channel views reached a million. Then along comes the Annoying Orange and now nobody wants to hear about lonelygirl23."
Endemol today announced they would be partnering with Glaxo-Welcome to produce a new line of designer drugs aimed at consumers.
"Many have suggested that the name Endemol would be appropriate for a rectal suppository, but we beg to differ," said Endemol chairman David Goldberg, " And as the popular saying suggests 'television is the opiate of the masses', so we decided to create a product that literally embodies that expression. Our new Endemol ® Anti-Depressant (derived from Sertraline hydrochloride) is an antidepressant of the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) class. Initial studies show that this product dramatically increases the enjoyment level of television viewers."
The new Endemol drug will initially be available only as part of a therapist-prescribed treatment. Samples of the new product are being distributed to consumers along with their Nielsen's welcome kit. Taking Endemol in its current form requires a hypodermic syringe and medical tubing (similar to heroin), but an easy-to-swallow caplet is on the way.
After their 9th consecutive blockbuster animation hit, many in Hollywood believe Pixar could be doing more to learn about the way that Hollywood movies are traditionally made. "I'd like to see at least one of their projects go into turnaround." said one writer/producer who asked to remain anonymous.
Said Akiva Goldsman, "Pixar should have to start with a fake option agreement like everyone else. And languish for a couple of years with an agent in the Valley. I mean, do they even have representation?"
"I think anyone going the writer/director/producer route should start with a low-budget horror before moving on to a high-budget CG animated feature," said Roger Corman-protege Ron Howard. "That's the way things are traditionally done. Beginner's luck can only take you so far."
"There's a way things are done in this town, and I just don't think Pixar has invested enough effort in learning the Hollywood system," said Jason Reitman, "Pixar should work as an unpaid intern reading spec scripts at an established production company. After writing coverage and reading lots of bad scripts they would have a better idea about how to make a good movie."
This past week Ari, an agent, took legal action against Ari, an App and Aryan Nation. A spokesperson for WME (the w is silent, pronounced "me") stated the reasons should be obvious: "Confusion in Hollywood about the brand identity of the real Ari, an Agent. WME has devoted significant time and money developing it's brand of Ari, an Agent. And it's obvious that Ari, an App, and Aryan Nation have been so-named to capitalize on the extensive and valuable brand awareness already accruing to Ari, an Agent."
New Nielsens to be Tabulated by Team of TicTacToe Chickens
Nielsen Media Research, citing growing concerns that their television rating system was no longer tracking a statistically inaccurate sampling of American consumers, today announced details concerning their Nielsen 2.0 rating system which they planned to unveil at COMICON this past month. The new system will feature in-home monitoring provided by a highly intelligent team of Tic Tac Toe chickens who have never, ever, lost a match of Tic Tac Toe. Beta testers for the new system indicated it gave a much more accurate assessment of viewing habits, but early prototypes had problems with fowl odors.
Movies based on toys couldn't be hotter in Hollywood, with nearly every studio adapting playthings for the bigscreen. Now count Universal as one of those studios: Universal is developing a movie around the plastic cup included with every game of Boggle.
Scribes Akiva Goldsmith and a litstalker who leaves anonymous comments on Goldsmith's blog are penning the script for the family comedy that will mix live action and animation. Universal is keeping the plot tightly under wraps, but it's described as an action adventure set in a bowl-shaped world filled with giant four-sided cubes covered in big black letters.
Cup will be voiced by Cate Blanchett, who is described as a "huge" Boggle fan.
Boggle is repped by UTA. The plastic cup is repped by CAA.
Mr. Potatohead, best known for his work in Disney/Pixar's Toy Story franchise, this week left CAA to sign with WME.
The multi-hyphenate's move was expected when he left CAA, where he'd been repped for a decade. His exit showed the volatility of the plastic representation business right now. One day after CAA staged a coup by enticing away WME clients Barbie, Ken and the plastic cup included in every game of Boggle, the agency is now forced to wear it's sad mouth and whiny eyes.
Moves come as Hollywood is struggling to find new movie stars. While a bigscreen splash was predicted for all three following their successes in Pixar franchises, all have found hurdles to their transition to film stardom.
George Clooney today confirmed rumors that he's moving Smokehouse to Sony from the WB backlot in order to get away from Ellen: the talk show, not the person. "I'm really looking forward to making a movie that doesn't have the word Ocean in the title," he said, "but to accomplish that we need some peace and quiet at the Smokehouse offices."
The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences today announced it's adding several new award categories to the illustrious event, including Excellence in Craft Service and Technical Achievement in Porta-Potty Placement.
"For too long portapotty placement has been overlooked as a key aspect of location shoots," said frequent porta-potty user JJ Abrams, "When magic hour is approaching and you only have limited time to set up your next shot, who wants to run half a mile through rough terrain to the latrine?"
Warner Bros. has set in motion a prequel to the Ted Danson starrer "Three Men and a Baby". Working title is "Three Babes and a Tranny".
The plan is for Danson to reprise his role as the baby Jack Holden, with Leonard Nimoy returning to direct. Akiva Goldsman and his Weed Road banner will produce with Robert Altman's babysitter.
The prequel will chronicle the final days of humanity in New York before a man-made virus caused a plague that left Danson's character the lone survivor, along with his two baby friends, among a mutated mob of baby children.
New Line Cinema has optioned "FAT" a Weird Al Yankovic single about Michael Jackson's glory years that will be produced by Flower Films partners Nancy Juvonen and Drew Barrymore. Jimmy Fallon in talks with Juvonen to star and co-produce children.
The lyrics will be adapted by Akiva Goldsmith and a Speak and Spell that was popular in the 1980s. The duo also adapted the funny self-help book "A Communist Manifesto", it was turned into an ensemble romantic comedy by New Line, Flower and starred Adam Sandler as the late Karl Marx.
Warner Bros. and producer Joel Silver are working with Apple to turn iFart into a live-action film. Judd Apatow is in talks to provide craft services.
Chuck Russell ("The Scorpion King," "The Mask") is in talks to direct. The writing team of Akiva Goldsmith and the cremation urn containing the remains of Hunter S. Thompson will script the story, which focuses on the relationship between the title character and his father.
With the economy on the rebound and a Canadian-style healthcare system in the works, some say Obama is running out of things to do. Sources close to Capitol Hill say celebrity re-tweeting is nearing the top of the President’s priority list. Citing concerns that Federal stimulus dollars at public schools are being undermined by Twitter in general and celebrity re-tweeting in particular, the President, in usual candid style, diplomatically called the popular RT practice “ineffectual” while his two daughters are apparently now mad at dad because the Jonas Brothers' retweets are no longer welcome in the Whitehouse.
Michelangelo’s David bares all in Tipper Gore’s new feature film documentary An Inconvenient Penis.
And David has signed with CAA in wave of major motion picture deals starring toys and other lifeless objects. He joins G.I. Joe, Viewmaster and Mr. Potatohead at Hollywood’s most prestigious inanimate agency.
CLAIMS MAGIC NOT PHERMONES TO BLAME IN BEWITCHING TAIL
LONDON (BP) - The Smoke Monster, best known for his recurring role in JJ Abrams LOST television series, was arrested in London today on statutory rape charges over an incident which allegedly occured during the filming of the most recent Harry Potter movie: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. The LOST Smoke Monster had been romantically linked to Harry Potter star Emma Watson, after their on-set affair ignited U.K. tabloids this past year.
Said the Smoke Monster, "When my agent told me I had booked Harry Potter, I was stoked. It's every television actor's dream: the transition to the big screen. Only later did I learn that I had been conjured and that my presence on the set was the direct result of a social networking stalking spell ("Facebook-maxima-pacifica-via-altlantica") created by Miss Watson specifically for the purpose of luring me overseas, so that she could meet me. She's a fan, apparently. My contract was strictly limited to PG-13 and to my amazement, once Watson had me sequestered away in her trailer, she proceeded to 'rehearse' a variety of NC-17 scenes that enraged the on-site BBC censors and effectively ended her reign as the world's innocent teen darling. As a castmember of LOST, I'm no stranger to the supernatural", he continued, "but Latin is a dead language and I had no idea what she meant by uranicus cunnilingus modo or igneus-crista-secundum-coitus. Only after being detained in a Scotland Yard interrogation room and requesting a Latin translator did I learn what the little witch prodigy had done to me."
A spokesperson for Miss Watson said the young starlet had "got the idea" by watching a career retrospective of Britney Spears videos and had initially gone to Madonna for advice as to how to make a smooth transition from prepubescent bookworm to naughty Hollywood A-lister.
Meanwhile in Santa Monica, a team of production assistants, barristers and bad robots (in the Commonwealth: "naughty robots") have been working overtime to fast-track extradition proceedings to The Island, where, legal experts say, the Smoke Monster is immune from prosecution under the peculiarities of British Common Law regarding the dangers of magic, witchcraft and impulses arising from a latent electra complex.
Hollywood insiders say these recent events have done little to improve strained relations between JJ Abrams and the Smoke Monster, who apparently felt snubbed when he was passed over as a featured pyrotechnics artist in the remake of Star Trek.
JERUSALEM, Israel - In their first ever Skype videoconference, Israel's Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu and Hamas leaders began what appeared to be just another series of veiled insults punctuated by bursts of well-crafted rhetoric. However, Netanyahu noticed a familiar sound drifting over the Skype headset from Hamas headquarters and recognized the beats from an underground house mix by DJ Keoki which had been circulating in the region's discos for at least a month prior.
"When Party, Party (You're the Bomb) came on," said an unidentified Hamas cell leader, "I realized that we had something in common: we liked the same music. We got to talking and realized we hung out at the same clubs and had many of the same friends. But, it was like, totally weird that we hadn't run into each other before! And it became clear that we needed to set aside a millennium of conflict stemming from political and cultural differences and do something fun and peaceful together."
The two nations have agreed to turn the Gaza strip into Eurasia's biggest rave party and decided to kick things off by legalizing ecstasy in the West Bank and distributing free glow-sticks to the first 100,000 people on the dance floor.
In anticipation of opening night, many Israelis and Palestinians, high on e, were lining up near the official entrance to the rave, kissing and licking each other's faces, without any regard to political, ideological or sexual orientation -- a clear sign that the conflict that has plagued this region since the Oslo Accords was coming to a close.
"It's too bad that Arafat is dead," said one raver, "because he totally would have loved this party."
Hollywood auto-erotically asphyxiates for Golden Globe results
Most of Hollywood held their breath today in anticipation of results from the Golden Globe awards.
Meanwhile in the Valley, porn-star turned actress Sasha Grey, who is set to star in Steven Soderberg's upcoming film The Girlfriend Experience, was reported to have been honored with her ninth consecutive Golden Shower.
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